Since Ramona arrived, I have more than ever been grateful for my close ties to my family. To be honest there wasn't much more room to be grateful--they are such a huge part of my life and, if I am to be successful, it is with them at my side. And while I love each of them for so many reasons in turn, tonight I have to focus on my dad. He is now Papa Robert and loving it. He was in town and we grabbed a quick bite with each other. I told him about Pac-Rim and work and this phenomenal, brutal training I did last week; he told me about his consulting jobs and the memorial service he'd attended for a friend today. Finally he looked me in the eye and said 'Ames, before you started supervising visits, we talked about the PSU-DHS grad school program. I know you were hesitant because you were, well, miserable in your position at that point and due to the agreement between PSU and DHS, you would have to commit three years of service to DHS after you graduated to pay off the tuition break'. I agreed, knowing where he was headed. Then he leaned back and said 'I've never seen you this happy in a job. Sure, there are days that suck. That's the reality of every job. But you grin and you glow and I can hear the passion you have every time we talk. So because of that, have you thought about the program again?' I have. And while I readily admit that it's entirely possible I will need to get my MSW at some point, that point is not here yet. I don't want to be in school right now. The thought of going back kind of makes me want to throw up a little bit...which is just never a strong beginning! More than that, I thought I wanted to be a caseworker. Now I'm not so sure.
This past week I've been in SSA core training. Among the amazing lessons I've learned include the fact that we have the right to be on the parent's side as well as the child's. That we can--and should--be that first person who believes in them at DHS, a person who tells them repeatedly that they are doing a good job, trying their hardest, loving their kids. We have the power to empower them, to include them in the decisions, have a free and open line of communication, and respect them as parents and people. It's been incredible. Brutal, heartbreaking, and incredible. We had a parent panel of women who were involved in the system and are now parent mentors. Above all else, they told us, remember that we are parents who love their children. They are parents who have made mistakes on a grand level, but they love their children. I forgot that along the way. I've learned it again, I think, and I am less inclined to be a caseworker than ever. This is where I get to do the work I love, the face to face, the human connection. This is where I might be, may be, even a tiny bit on one day or two, able to help someone else feel confident and hopeful. Instead of writing court reports, going to hearings, dealing with lawyers, getting parents into treatment, and fighting with family members, I'm working with the parents and kids. Every day. I get to see them, talk to them, and help them. That's what this is about for me, and I don't know that I want to change that.
I told my dad all this. A tiny part of me was afraid that he would say: 'yeah, that's great. But you'll always be limited without an MSW. I want you to be in a job where you have a little more financial security and one that pushes you a little harder.' I didn't think he would. After all, this is a guy who told me he didn't care how long it took me to get a bachelor's degree. All he cared about was that I was happy and successful when I chose to get one. He didn't disappoint today. He said, 'you know, Ames, that makes perfect sense. You're happy. You're helping. You're getting to do exactly what you want to do. And it's ok if you don't want to be a caseworker right now. It's ok if you never want to be a caseworker.' My father looked at me and I could see in his face that he was proud of who I was right now, and that he wouldn't ask me to change ever.
So tonight I'm grateful for my dad. For the compassion he shows me and the patience. Today I sat there and realized again that my father is a loving, smart, honorable man. I hope some of that rubs off on me, and that I can show my clients the compassion he has shown me. That I can offer to them the understanding and tell them in so many ways that I am proud of them, just like he has done for me. This has been quite a week, to be honest. It's not quite over so I'm gonna sign off. But between Pac-Rim and SSA training and time with Anna and Ramona and dinner with Dad, I am realizing that perhaps more than anything, it's the people who are on the race course with you who matter the most.
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